Islamic suicide bombers in the UK are set to begin a series of strikes in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with AQ management by UNITE (UNified Islamic Terrorist Experts), have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in suicide bombings worldwide and a subsequent shortage of female virgins in the afterlife. UNITE (UK Al Qaeda branch, A.K.A. British Organization Of Occupational Martyrs - or B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to it's members and balloted for strike action.
A spokesman told the various Islamic websites, 'our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is a kick in the teeth'. Speaking from his shed in Tipton, in the West Midlands, where he currently resides, AQ CEO Osama Bin Laden explained, 'we sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern day jihad in a competitive marketplace'. He went on, 'thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell up to 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.'
He went on, 'I have to tell any strikers that they will also lose, for good, their travel allowances. Have you seen the price of train fares recently?' Spokesmen for the management in outstations such as Newcastle Markets, Moss Side Manchester and South East London stated that the strike would not affect their operations, since 'there are no virgins in our areas anyway'. Another major factor in the drop in suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now the Jihadists know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen to go to paradise.
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